The completely new school term has been kicked off for more than 1 month. It is not very busy at the moment since nothing I can hurry until things are settled and done. The closing of the school has been my first impresion, taking much of my confidence in it. Some news from my friends about it also discouraged me a lot. Working here cannot give me any bright prorpect but a satisfactory level of income. That is why the 29 Sept has marked the prelude of my excitment in the whole month.

Days are easy or hard there in the school. I have lost my feeling at all... every day, I go there to fulfill my duty and give what I can give to them, expecting nothing. I rarely think about the past few years as comparisons might even disappoint me more and there are too different worlds, composed by other elements. Nothing is needed to be understood or for further investigations since there must be something left unknown in the world.

I am not surprised anymore when students are walking around and chatting wildly with no control... I am just interested whether the lecturers or psychologists or researchers would be able to handle them well if they are asked to meet them every day for 45 mins or even doubled. I would like to learn and observe. There has been time when I was not prepared well psychologically for such a messy scene, which driving my emotion down much in a day. After that, I have never been affected for I got nothing worse anymore... and our past has posed so many expectations on each other before... now, how can I make a change in just a month or a year? When they told me how and what they did to the past English teachers... I only felt sympathetic on the teachers and students... What happened to them? How could the teachers stand that? What was in their mind? Abnormal Psychology also suggested the biological and environmental reasons. Thus, I did not have to doubt but accpet.

Just keep on doing my best and completing all the tasks assigned by the school except some irrelevant chores. I am not going to provide free tutorial service for primary school students after-school.. because this has been far beyond my duty and profession. I also have no hope on boosting the no. of students here if the school atmosphere and the students' attitude cannot be altered a bit in long run. I never deny the value of a band 3 school because I firmly believe that a more adverse consequence will be resulted if all band 3 schools are closed... but I really have no ideas or no points of supporting it if no better or comprehensive alernatives can be suggested. In fact, where is the managment or supervisory staff? The problem is not a sudden bomb. It is something expected but nobody worls for it... That's ridiculous! I would laugh only when it really comes... all the statistics have been given for predicting the future. Without preparation, it is doomed to be a failure.

Anyway, I have no interests in commenting school policies, welfare or students' affairs as my personal growth is also critical at the stage and need time to be nutured for a perfection. I really don't want to repent for wasting my "golden" time periods - the early thirties. Yet, how can I start and set my target? Maybe due to the "meaningless" work life, I have no intention to establish any network or even maintain it. We can meet friends often but if we are "not there", it's still furtile. Nothing can be achieved. I know myself. I cannot connect with others well now... I also dunno why. Maybe some of my closest friends would feel it. I just hope that time will heal or make a change. I never wanna find someone to fill up my own time because it is selfish; I never burden others with many of my personal troubles because it is also selfish although sometimes I do.. or I really want to... I rather prefer keeping myself up and reflect or I can get an answer.

The cell group is continued and it is the 2nd session. David is the one who initiated and eager to share his pts a lot. I feel less eager or passionate than before... Yet, everything when we share or meet, we can feel the joy. That is why I think I need it. Moreover, clearer ideas can be obtained even sometimes we got conflicts on some topics. Religion, to some extent, is subjective. Just like, we never ask for reasons for everything once we got a belief in it. We seldsom ask why do we have parents, why do we traust a bus driver, why do some people like going to WTS or have so many rules rules to follow in CNY... We kept discussing the book "The Will of God as a Way of Life- How to make Every Decision with Peace and Confidence". It told us not to think too far or we should put more time in what we are doing rather than worrying about tomorrow. "Here and Now" is more important. I do agree though I may not be able to do it or fully understand it. Last week, we even shared about the view or history on "pre-martial sex". Two of them found it acceptable as the time changes but I was so puzzled. Could we just explain everything on our own and it could be acceptable? Our mission is to love others like ourselves and follow His wills. Sometimes what I do is also out of my own preference... I am still learning how to make it for God more... and I think I get more ideas after the 2 sessions ... They challenged me much especially David who could not control his mouth or straight-forward trait... Helena is the one who can feel for others more ~

Next week, my dad's birthday again - Chinese calender. He willhave a big celebration every year with my uncle, aunt and cousins. I would love the public holiday too.

I pray sincerely that my "I-centred" would go away and I can have more "love" for others. I feel sad for not being good sometimes and I have no mood in helping or contributing... I am sorry. God, please supply me with strength and courage! I wanna give up but I know I should not. I will insist and could you please change me for the better?